I Could Use A Little Advice...

duskshade

New member
So... (sit back, cause I'm about to start yarning)

About six years ago my little cousin Roman went to prison for stabbing my uncle (his dad) in the kidneys. As a result of this, my uncle (who was an alcoholic) ended up with the start of a long series of problems that culminated in his death two years ago.

Tomorrow he gets out. His sister is happy and wants me to be there when he's released. Besides work commitments, I don't know that I have it in my heart to ever see this person again.

The sad part was that my other cousin and I had to go and track him down in the streets - we told him he could either turn himself in, or we would find him and he could face us. Needless to say, he turned himself in.

In truth, its hard enough for me to see his sister happy for him to come out, but I get it. I can't blame her. I don't know how to handle him even peripherally back in my family again. Other family members have made it clear that he's not welcome in their houses, but he's been there uninvited before.

I am sure this is probably not painting me in the best of lights, but I really could use some help with this. Its really eating at me... and truthfully, I'll have to leave wherever it is I am when I see him.

Some help and perspective would be really nice....
 

gisela

Super Moderator
First, a small reminder which is probably not even necessary. This board is very public and noone knows who reads what we write here. If there is anything in this story that you do not wish that your family reads, then delete or change it.


whoa, what a dilemma. I am sad to hear about your family's tragic history and I certainly understand your difficulty in meeting your cousin again. His sister has apparently forgiven him, at least to a point. Could you take the approach that you will tolerate him as a support for her? She can't have had an easy time being surrounded by all that misery.
 

duskshade

New member
First, a small reminder which is probably not even necessary. This board is very public and noone knows who reads what we write here. If there is anything in this story that you do not wish that your family reads, then delete or change it.


whoa, what a dilemma. I am sad to hear about your family's tragic history and I certainly understand your difficulty in meeting your cousin again. His sister has apparently forgiven him, at least to a point. Could you take the approach that you will tolerate him as a support for her? She can't have had an easy time being surrounded by all that misery.

Thanks for the kind words, Gisela. They mean a lot.

Its hard. I don't know how to square what happened with the fact that he's paid his price in the eyes of society.

I can try to tolerate him, I think. I really don't know. The better half of me says to forgive him, the human part of me says to not forgive him.
 

Mosaic

Super Moderator
I am sorry to hear of your family tragedy. This is a difficult thing to even attempt to give advice on - I don't know what lead to the boy stabbing his father for a start (there is no justification in harming another) but was there bad blood so to speak between father & son that lead to this terrible thing. Overall, I think you must go with your heart on the matter, if you don't believe your cousin has/can change and may continue to bring misery, then all I can say is support his sister, but make it clear her brother is unwelcome.
~Mosaic
 

walladah

New member
You know their story better than us

and there is no reason to write all details here, because it is a public forum.

But when a child is attacking its father, there is usually a reason for this, so better to decide to be fair and then this fairness will tell you what to do. If you think that your cousin has been violent with no reason, then you know what to do. If you know that your cousin has been violent with a reason, you still know what to do.

It is not a matter to support your cousins, it is a matter of telling yourself what is fair and which behaviour you want to support. Forget about debt paid to society in jail or what the judges say...
 

BigJim

Member
You will never forget what he did... you probably won't be able to forgive him for what he did... you can show him support IF he has come out of jail with an attitiude that he knows he did wrong and that he is doing everything in his power to be a "good" person.... if he doesn't show that type of attitude then forget about him as fast as you can because it will only lead to more trouble... it's not your job to fix him... it's his job to show people he can earn there respect.... watch him over time to see which way he goes
 

~Diana~

AFK Moderator
This is hard to respond to. My best advice would be go with what you feel not how other expect you to react/do. Everyone will have a different view but they are not you. You need to do what you need to get through this.
 
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