Toxic Teachers

Viola

New member
Hi all.

I posted a while back about problems I had been, and am unfortunately still having, with my teacher. Things seem to have taken a turn from the worse. She has been contacting other dancers and teachers about me. Luckily most of them aren't taking sides and are not getting involved but I feel so down about the whole thing.

I don't know what I've done to inspire such pure hatred from my ex-teacher but my god, she has it in for me :shok:

In my other thread Darshiva kinda posted a link which talked about "toxic techers" which describes my old teacher down to a tee.

So, what makes a teacher turn in to a soul destroying beast? All I'm trying to do right now is further my dance study, meet up with dancers to work on formations and chorus work and eventually I do want to teach, not right now but in time I do. I'm not trying to disrespect or offend or hurt anyone but this old teacher of mine is making me feel like giving up on my dreams entirely.

Has anyone any advice of how to deal with this? I'm just feeling so lost and lonely :(, I have no other teacher or dancers to speak to about it because most of them know her and I don't want to bring my current teacher in to the whole drama really as it isn't fair on her. I just don't know what to do anymore :(
 

~Diana~

AFK Moderator
Please tell me that you are NOT still taking classes from this person!??

My best advice is to not act like her at all and don't do anything that would stoup to her level. If people ask you about her don't take about her. Start taking classes with other teachers and learn from them. Let them get to know you and that way they will overcome any ideas the other teacher might have put to them. Also don't even mention your old teacher or talk down about her to anyone, this can only put you in a negative light.

Top advice, let is slid off your back. You can't control how other people act or behave. You can't control what other people think or believe. So WHY are you letting yourself (the one thing you can control) get stressed out and emotionally distraught over this? Sounds like the other teacher wants to get back at you for some reason only known by her and by letting yourself get worked up like this you are doing exactly what she wants to happen to you. Take back your own power!
 

Viola

New member
Thanks for your response Diana,

Haha no I am definately not taking classes with her anymore!! I understand I shouldn't let myself get down about this, clearly she is childish and immature and has some serious issues going on, I suppose it's hard not to let things get to me...that's definately something I need to work on, especially if I wanna teach!!

I am taking classes with another teacher now, online lessons as there is no other teacher in my area. I'm trying to forget about her altogether and just focus on my dancing, in fact I was doing really well and was feeling so positive until I fould out she had contacted my current teacher about me as well. She just can't leave me be, maybe I should be flattered :lol:

I just do not understand what I've done to her and why she hates me so much.
 

walladah

New member
Do not take it personally, she hates all her students

even those who are her pets (maybe those, she hates them most).

Forget about her. People cannot always become as generous as their art. By the way, Remember not to get very close to the dancers/students who at this moment do not take sides or support her as the strong part of the quarrel. You will be stronger in a while and you do not want a silly court around you...
 

Viola

New member
Thanks Walladah, I'm trying to just focus on me and remind myself why I love this dance.

My fiance wants me to contact Carolena directly and discuss the issues as this ex teacher of mine is/was a Sister Studio. She said she was no longer calling herself a Sister Studio for some reason or another but now she is again I think, she changes her mind so often I cant keep up. I am not going to contact Carolena as to be honest I'm sure she has more important things to be getting on with than dealing with an issue which could quite easily be resolved if ex teacher could act her age. I'm just worried as it seems she is trying to poison the whole ATS world against me.
 

Darshiva

Moderator
Talk to your current teacher about it. And by that say 'Look, I am stressed about it and it is impacting on my practice. Can you give me some advice on dealing with it or some moral support?'

Don't place the burden of dealing with this situation on your new teacher, that's not fair. But there is no need for you to deal with it on your own.

Just remember when talking through this issue to keep things neutral, don't let emotion come into it. Stick to the facts - the things that you have proof are true. Refuse to let your imagination get the better of you with this.

Ignoring it won't work, but treating it like it is completely inconsequential within your community will. If it comes up while you're in the community, keep any answers short and to the point. (whenever people used to ask me about my teacher or about other teachers in the area, I'd say "I don't know, I haven't had the opportunity to speak with her myself'/'I'm sorry, most of the dancers I deal with are from (nearest capital city), not here, so I don't know')

So here's how I deal with it. I never speak about those who did me ill in bellydance circles. If their names come up, I use the above tactics and change the subject. I decided early on (on the advice of my husband and two different bellydance mentors) to focus all the energy I was expending on feeling isolated and very annoyed on becoming the best bellydancer I could be. And although I am still developing as a dancer, this tactic has worked. I'm the best dancer I can be, anything said against me is easily shot down by just watching me dance/teach/speak and I don't have people questioning my motives.

Just something you might want to consider. :)
 

Viola

New member
Thanks so much Darshiva, sounds like you've really grown as a dancer as a result of trying not to let things get to you.

That's very much my plan, to just focus all my efforts on becoming a better dancer. My fiance doesn't want me to let it go as he has seen how very upset this has made me but I don't want to let it get any worse. I don't want any other student to go through what I've been through, that's for sure.

My worry is that for about 2 weeks I had done just that, had moved on totally and focused my energy on improving my dance skills. And then I just found out today about her talking about me to other teachers and it's brought me right back down as it seems she cannot let this go. The issues we are having are caused by genuine misunderstandings as a result of poor communication and should really be quite simple to fix but she is hell bent on holding a grudge. I feel like I cannot do any more to try to sort things out but I just worry that even if I try to move on, that she will not and will continue to cause trouble for me.
 

Darshiva

Moderator
Seriously, just throw your hands up in the air and let her say whatever she wants. She'll say it anyway and this wayyou don't have to get involved in it. It will reflect better on you long-term if you just let her have her whargarble and just carry on doing your daily stuff.
 

Viola

New member
That's what I'm starting to see Darshiva, and at least then if she does insist on causing issues for me I can say I've been the bigger person, I've moved on from things, she's the immature one who can't let go and move on with her life.

I haven't said a bad word to anyone about her and I wouldn't dream of doing so, even now. I'm quite shocked that she stooped that low to go talking about me behind my back.
 

Darshiva

Moderator
Don't do it to be the 'bigger person'. Do it because it's a complete waste of your time to get involved in such pettiness.

For me what it came down to is that I'd rather spend my time on being a better dancer than trying to drag down someone else's reputation. Seems like a much better spend of my efforts to me. ;)
 

Viola

New member
Oh no, I wouldn't do it to be the bigger person, I'd do it because like you said I would much rather channel that energy into something positive like my dancing and just improve a much as I can.
 

Sophia Maria

New member
:( I'm sorry you have to deal with this, Viola. Unfortunately this is just one of those things can just happen...regardless of whether one seeks drama out or avoids it at all costs. You just have to be dedicated to your goals (dancing), always polite and professional, and consistent. After that, anybody can say anything mean behind your back and nobody else will believe them. Integrity is the most important.

I'm happy you have this attitude though.

Side note: maybe you could contact Carolena (Nericcio, I'm assuming?) about this, since it's a sister school. Although I don't know what the decorum is on this, is she strictly responsible herself for all schools associated with FCBD? I think it could be unreasonable to expect to her to manage all of that.
 

Aniseteph

New member
I wouldn't contact anyone about her - don't waste any more energy on it. It's not your problem. Who'd look like the bad guy when she found out? If she is a toxic fruitcake it'd make her 10 times worse because she really would have something to blame you for, rather than a bunch of imagined slights.

However upsetting it is to think she might be badmouthing you to other teachers, anyone worth having anything to do with in your community will rate you on your behaviour, and her on hers. It's so unprofessional to talk publicly about a student or ex-student in a negative way that my first reaction would be "woah, what's HER problem?" rather than "oh that student must be horrible then".

Also, what teacher is going to turn up the chance of an enthusiastic regular paying student? "So&so told me you did XYZ so you can't come to my classes". Really? Unless XYZ was running amok with a sword and needing the police calling out, not really interested. Even if XYZ was Being Disloyal... yeah, whatevs. <makes inner note to watch own back, and deal with it if bad things happen. And pockets class fee. :D>
 

Nejmeh

New member
I am so sorry to read your problem with your ex teacher, know that the bd community as an whole is not like this!

Our teacher once had ex student/ now teacher trying to put her down. The brat actually went to the extend of trying to get us to switch classes, gossiping on events, campaining for her side where she could and so on. Our teacher told us that there was an iff, but never did not get into detail about it, that was between them. Now, our teacher is still in high regard in our bd community and only 1 student switched(same character, they found eachother). The brat and her students are not being invited for events and she has no support left outside her own little circle.

Darshiva is right, don`t give her the attention she wants, don`t stoop to her level. People will see who is for real, even though she is in the bd world for longer then you!

And don`t stop dancing, for nobody! As long as you can, please do, it is yur happiness involved!
 

Viola

New member
Thanks everyone. I'm trying to keep positive and just try to forget about it. I've been so stressed about it that it's actually been affecting my health.

The things she has been saying are horrible, she says I've been critisizing her knowledge and her teaching methods which is so not the case. I would never do that. During my online class yesterday the new teacher said my old teacher must have done something right because I'm really good, so it sounds like she's been telling her I've been badmouthing her teaching abilities. I didn't bother explaining that most of what I've learned I've taught myself at home, like zills for example.

It's just been draining the energy out of me. Im still a baby dancer here with no reputation whatsoever, I'm just afraid that when I do go in to teaching that she will have poisoned everyone against me by then. I'm hoping most of out bd community isn't as evil as her. I'll be studying wth Carolena and Megha in Spring so I hope they just see my dedication and passion and don't listen to whatever gossip my ex teacher might try and spread.
 

AndreaSTL

New member
I would not bring anything up to Carolena before you meet her in person. You can get an idea of how she feels about "sister studio" status and decide then if you should bring it up. If you do say anything you run the risk of looking bad yourself - are you trying to ruin her? Were you there for any of the bad stuff or is just your word against hers? I am not familiar with the sister studio designation, so I don't know if the two dancers are friends or merely business acquaintances. While your intent may be purely good (saving Carolena's reputation) you could possibly be viewed as vindictive. :(

As for the recent gossiping, I'm curious how you found out about it. Are the other teachers telling you, or are they telling someone else who in turn tells you? If the teachers are telling you, you can just say something like, "She clearly has issues with me, and I'm sorry you've been dragged into it." Say no more. Carry on with your conversation immediately without giving the other teacher a chance to ask for details. You've acknowledged that there was a dustup but haven't stooped to her level.

If it's another student telling you what your former teacher told their teacher - whoa! That's way too far removed and open for too much interpretation. Kind of like saying to someone, "You're so cool!" Depending on how you say it and the body language/facial expressions you use it could be a genuine compliment or a sarcastic barb. I would just say something like, "I can't even explain what she's thinking" and let it drop.

As someone who has been through it I know it's frustrating and demoralizing. Chances are that most people in the community know she's a nutter, and sometimes it's just easier to let people rant and then ignore it than to go against them or try to set the record straight. If it helps, I'm sure it's not just a "you" thing. There have probably been victims in the past and sadly there will likely be more down the road. It does suck to feel like you are persecuted for no good reason, but quite honestly there's not a thing you can do. She will not stop, and it will be worse for you if you allow yourself to get dragged into it. If you think it's emotionally draining now think about how bad it would be if you actively engaged her! :shok:
 

Viola

New member
Hi AndreaSTL. thanks for your input :)

I have indeed decided against contacting Carolena for the very reasons you stated. I dont want it to reflect badly on me as a dancer. I will be training with her in April, so if ex-teacher has spoken to her about me then I just hope Carolena can see my passion and dedication and realize that anything that has been said about me is just not true. I have now blocked said teacher from being able to contact me as I honestly want to forget about her and dont want another angry message from her bringing me down.

I actually heard that she had been talking about me from my new teacher who said she had spoken to her about me. The new teacher was very kind about the situation and said she would rather not take sides.

I'm just hoping that without a reaction from me she will move on with her life and leave me alone. I am meeting up today with some friends I made whilst in her classes and we are going to be practicing together :) so I'm looking forward to it, I just want to get on with my dancing and forget about her.
 

Aniseteph

New member
If it's another student telling you what your former teacher told their teacher - whoa! That's way too far removed and open for too much interpretation.

Absolutely. In this case I would think like Oscar Wilde - "There is only one thing worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about", and chalk it up to your charisma that people clearly can't help themselves talking about you. What's a girl to do but let them get on with it? <resigned diva-esque shrug>

Don't stress, everyone can spot the drama llamas. <hug>
 
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