Hip belt being held hostage

WestCoastWiggle

New member
OK, this is a bit strange, y'all...

Several months ago (December/January) a dancer friend of mine ordered a really beautiful tribal-style bra/belt set that turned out to be way too small for her. We had discussed performing as a duo eventually and have matching costumes, and the set fit me perfectly, so she said that I could pay her back for the set over time and she would use that cash to order another matching set that actually fit (instead of paying shipping to return it overseas, etc. - just made more sense that way). At the time I paid back some cash for just the bra so I was able to take just the bra home. Since then I have entirely repaid the debt on just the bra and I currently have about $50 or so left on my debt for the hip belt.

About eight weeks ago my friend began to experience a lot of bizarre mental symptoms related to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and was acting strange. I can't even begin to explain some of the strange stuff that she would say and do, but trust me - it was odd. Her husband took her to a doctor and everyone has been trying to help in any way that we can, but because she doesn't want to harm herself or others there's not much that anyone can legally do. She's been basically holed up in her home for the last two months, rarely responding to text messages or on FB (the only way that I can communicate with her when I don't go over to visit is through her husband since she won't answer her phone at all), only got out of the house a few brief times with me and her husband to get food, cigarettes, etc. It's a complete shift from how she was at Christmastime.

Anyway, a few weeks she sent me a strange text message saying that she wanted me to return the bra top for some reason related to her religious beliefs (something about "cleansing" and the costume somehow being spiritually corrupted). The message also contained some details that didn't make any sense to me at all (to be honest, I think she could also be borderline schizophrenic since some of the stuff she's said is pretty paranoid). Her husband told me to just ignore it, that he heard the same stuff from her too, so I did. Then just the other day she sent me another message accusing me of infiltrating her e-mail and FB accounts and changing her relationship status (???), saying that the entire bellydance community "is aware of [my] behavior" and that her "sacred items of religion" (meaning the bra top that I had already paid off) are "poisoned" by me not returning them (even though it is now mine, which her husband doesn't dispute). Then she said that she forgave me, loved me, trusted me, and needed me to come get her because she was in danger. The message tone changed a lot and was very disjointed, so I forwarded it to her husband to see if he could make sense of it.

He wasn't surprised by the bizarre tone of her message, and he told her that I had earned most of the hip belt by subbing several weeks for her dance class. I have a big showcase coming up very soon and asked him if it would be OK to pick up the hip belt early so I can wear it with the matching bra. He seemed cool with it, esp. since they left me take the bra home before it was actually paid off and there is so little left on the belt debt, and said he would see what he could do.

Here's my real problem though: I might not be able to get the hip belt from her, and if there's no way, her husband said that he will reimburse me with cash. Now, this would be fine since I could take the cash and order another matching hip belt from this vendor, but that would take a few months and my showcase is way before then. She also has the bra top for a cabaret costume of mine that she was going to alter for me months ago, and that has just been sitting at her house. At this point, I would like to get that back because I've been thinking about selling it. Another part of me wants to get my cab costume back because I'm worried that in her mental state she could decide to do something harmful to it for whatever reason.

Admittedly, this is a very unusual scenario. She's just basically dropped off the face of the earth as far as the rest of the dance community is probably concerned. At this time I can see only two options: 1) Let her have the hip belt and get paid back what I've already worked off for it or 2) Go over to her place under the guise of getting just my cabaret costume top back and have her husband help sneak the hip belt out with it (which would feel kind of questionable/wrong to me). I don't want to be insensitive or do anything shady, but I also really would like to get the other matching half of this costume for this showcase (and promo pics) and receive what should belong to me. What would be your suggestion for how to deal with this situation?
 
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Darshiva

Moderator
Get your stuff back from her, it's yours. Her husband agrees with you on that count.

In the meantime, be there for her, I know her brain is in broken mode right now, but that's not necessarily permanent and it's really hard when you lose friends over something you have no control over. I'm not suggesting you spend all your spare time with her, but if you do have the time and the motivation and you have guarantees that it is safe to do so spend time with her like you normally would and treat her like a normal human being.
 

Mosaic

Super Moderator
I agree with Darshiva completely. Get your stuff back via her husband if necessary, & if he can get the belt well & good, if he can't then just get the money paid, reimbursed. Be there for your friend when you can - it must be extremely difficult for her family & friends to see this happening to her poor soul.
~Mosaic
 

khanjar

New member
Mental health is a tricky area, most people's sense is to keep away when others have mental problems and maybe that is the worst thing to do because isolation lets the mind wander down dark paths of rejection where all sorts of demons come to haunt and perhaps that is what you were experiencing with the strange communications what those demons have created. How to deal with it if you love your friend is a tricky one and it will take a tough person to deal, but if you have a clue as to what her mental issue is, clue up on it and know what to expect, expect hate, expect rejection expect anything unexpected for you will be dealing with mental illness where only the brave and tough will win. But mental illness is just like any other illness, once the problem is identified, it can be treated and a person cured, it is not a forever situation, but an idea might be to identify the trigger that caused the situation in the first place for everyone has something their mind cannot deal with.

As to the property issue, in my mind given the situation, I would let it go and look at other possibilities for what I need as one thing about property held, it creates connection with another and those with mental issues might need the connection to avoid that feeling of isolation. Retrieving your property or what may be yours might make your friends mental situation worse if she discovers the property connection taken away without her knowledge for she could well feel conspiracy against her, which will make matters worse.
 

WestCoastWiggle

New member
Thank you everyone for such thoughtful responses, it is really appreciated. I've been spending what time that I can with her when she feels like having people around. Unfortunately I can't be there very much for her because she lives about 25 minutes away and I've been pretty poor right now, so finding the money for gas to drive out there can make visiting difficult. But I am there doing what I can for her when I can. It's difficult because I have a family member that is mentally ill and stayed with me for a while several years ago, but it was more manageable because they actually wanted to go to doctor's appointments and were willing to try various medications/combinations. Now they're doing much better. But my friend refuses to take medicines, she's taken them before but hated them. I have another friend who lives with PTSD and bipolar disorder, she said that it can sometimes take years for a person to find the right combination and dosage of medicine that works effectively. I'm hoping that my friend went to her dr. appt this week like her husband said she had scheduled. It's hard when you can't makea grown adult go to the doctor and take their medicine like they probably should because they have the right to refuse treatment. It also makes it really difficult because I have my suspicions about what could be her affliction, but I'm not a doctor, and if you don't know what exactly they are suffering with, it's hard to know exactly what to expect and how to act around that person. I'm just doing what I can to provide support, be it just hanging out with her while her husband is at work or taking her to get something to eat. Ultimately my friend is more important than a costume, but I definitely also don't want to see anything happen to those items if it can be avoided. Thanks again everyone, have a great weekend! :)
 

Dunyah

New member
You are a kind and caring friend. I hope you get your costume pieces back. But if nothing else, you deserve some good karma for being such a good friend! <hugs>
 
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