Troublesome Troupe-Mate

[AspiringDancer]

What do you do when a troupe member is ruining your dancing experience?

I've been working with a girl for almost a year and it seems like right from the start she had a problem with me. With dancers that are more experienced than her she's overly nice. Dancers that are less experienced she simply ignores. Me however, I'm in a class all on my own. She's unapologetically rude to me and she takes every opportunity to make snide remarks in rehearsal or to call out my mistakes.

WTF?

Has anyone ever been in this situation. How do I deal? I've tried reaching out and being friends with her but I think that made the animosity even worse! I don't even like going to practice with this troupe anymore.

 

[Yame]

Is your troupe leader aware of this? If so, she should not be allowing this sort of behavior! You should speak to her about it. She needs to put her foot down and not allow her troupe members to make snide remarks about one another.

 

[Aniseteph]

What Yame said. It's totally unacceptable and whoever is in charge needs to be told it's a problem so she/he can do their job and stamp this sort of thing out.

 

[AspiringDancer]

I just don't want to come off as being a source of drama but yeah, I guess if it continues to go on I should say something...

I've been at this studio for almost 4 years and I've never had a problem like this before. Everyone has always been so nice.

 

[Mosaic]

OH gosh I am so sorry that you are dealing with this, as others have said talk to your teacher, hopefully she will deal with the situation so that you can feel comfortable once again.
~Mosaic

 

[Farasha Hanem]

I don't blame you for not wanting the "drama queen" label, however, her behavior is unacceptable. I don't understand why she has singled you out. Do you have any close friends in the troupe? Are they aware of this girl's behavior? Support can be helpful right now.

If this has been going on for a year now, I'm surprised that the teacher hasn't noticed anything. :think:

On the one hand (and this is just personal opinion), a teacher shouldn't have to be babysitter, everyone should be grown-up enough to behave themselves as adults. On the other hand, some "adults" never grow up in terms of treating others the way they themselves want to be treated. -_- I'm so very sorry this person is putting you through this. It doesn't make learning what you love pleasant at all. You said you're on the verge of quitting this troupe. Before you do, ask yourself what you would be losing if you do. If otherwise you love your class and teacher, if there isn't another class or troupe nearby that teaches what you want to learn, I'd rethink quitting. I hate seeing you miserable, but I'd hate to see one person dictate any aspect of your life. Your situation isn't easy. There HAS to be a solution. :think:

 

[AspiringDancer]

Yeah, it's weird she acts pretty nice in a group and I think things are cool but then when I talk to her one-on-one she goes really ugly. If she says anything in the group it could easily be taken as a joke or genuinely wanting to correct something for the sake of synchronicity.

Thanks for the advice and support. I'll consider how I'll approach the troupe director without looking like a cry-baby.

 

[Farasha Hanem]

Hugs to you, and all the best. <3

 

[Darshiva]

Bring a dictaphone to any one-on-one conversations you have with Mme Two-Face. Then if there is a look of disbelief or a comment along the lines of lighten up francis, you can whip it out & say 'okay, so how would you recommend I deal with this, since this is ongoing for the last two years and obviously what I'm doing is not working.'

 

[Aniseteph]

I'll consider how I'll approach the troupe director without looking like a cry-baby.

a) Don't even think of yourself as a cry-baby. You doing the strong thing in doing something about someone else's unacceptable behaviour. She's the one who's causing problems, not you. It's her fault there's drama.

b) Don't let troupe director paint you as one either. Let's hope she is a responsible leader who will do her job by taking this on board and fixing it. Farasha is right that she shouldn't have to babysit adults, but some adults don't behave right and need fixing, and that's part of her role as leader.

I do like Darshiva's idea though. Fierce.

 

[Farasha Hanem]

*cough* I sell digital voice recorders... >.>
^^;;;

 

[~Diana~]

hmm you say she is overly nice to people she sees as more experienced dancers than her and ignors those she sees as less experienced but give you hell....does she do this to other troupe members?

If not or if so, it sounds to me like she sees you as competition for attention. She see's you as the same level or maybe slighly better than herself; and to gain the teachers/everyones attention towards her dancing and who she sees herself as as a dancer she might think she has to belittle you and point out every one of you mistakes or flaws. This is a huge personality blot on her part. If her ego and identity is wrapped up in needing to be the best person in the troupe or to be the one with the most attention and that is not happening for her then she will make it happen someway. I have seen people with the personality flaw behave like you are describing.

If you have a troupe directior bring your problem up to her in private if you think that will fix anything. If that does not help then all you can do it either leave troupe, ignore her, or try something I have leaned from dealing with people like this myself. What I discovered throws this kind of personality off their game. What you do is every time she does this to you, in person or in a group setting, is to sincerly (or at least sound that way and not condensenting or snarky)- in a soothing tone- thank them for pointing out things that you need to work on and then just leave it at that. Say that every time and then move on. Eventually she will give up if she is trying to get a rile out of you and also it makes you look and sound more professional than she is. Instead of taking it as a put down, interprete it as feedback comments (minus any snarky tone) and use it to make yourself a better dancer. If she eventually realizes that her behavior is actually helping to make you an even better dancer in her eyes, if she has this personality flaw, then she will stop assisting you. lol

 

[Darshiva]

Diana, that is awesome advice.

 

[cobrasdance]

these things are tough to deal with. it's a shame that you are having to endure this, but you know what? you should really feel sorry for this person. how sad that she gets her thrills from being so backstabby nasty and false. having been through similar myself, i eventually settled on treating her as nice as i could without going overboard. when she was nasty to me on the quiet, i simply pretended i didn't understand what she meant, any criticisms i took as a compliment if i could or if it was obviously nasty then thanked her for her constructive criticism. i always made sure i was nice and polite to her even when i felt an overwhelming urge to say something really cutting. eventually, she stopped bothering me. i obviously wasn't worth the effort as i didn't react the way she wanted me to. try not to let her spoil your belly dance experience. the joy of belly dance is a wonderful thing, and it would seem this poor thing has never experienced it.
cobrasdance

 

[Munniko]

I definitely agree with Diana's advice! Although when this happens I usually have them help me correct the problem. If this person is going through all the "trouble" to "help me" by pointing these things out then I want her to help me improve upon them. Both as a "put your money where your mouth is" and also the actual potential to improve on my dancing. I mean for all I know I do look like a hot mess up there and they are being nice. That is for me, but she sounds kinda grumpy so maybe she is just nervous of you passing her by making her feel like her belly dance progress has been halted.

 

[PracticalDancer]

My advice will probably sound a bit different, but it is rooted in some experience.

The thing about dancing with a group is that you are not just learning, performing, and growing as a dancer, you are also in a group. And, groups will always be impacted by the dynamics of the individual personalities and interpersonal relationships. You can choose to do a lot of research on this. That said, the key issue here is that one person in the group is making it hard for you, and the others either can't see it, or see it and agree with it, or see it and don't care to do anything about it.

If you choose to take on that tension, directly with her or indirectly through others, you will be trying to force an outcome.

So, what outcome do you want?

I'll let you chew on that question for a minute or two . . .

Do you want her to change? (good luck with that one)

Do you want her to leave? (you are now the divisive one)

Would you truly be happy if she were not there? How would the group interact if that were the case? Be careful with this one, for even if she were not there, the group has been affected by her; and, the dynamics will never be quite the same.

Now, I won't ask what your other options are. You can see those and evaluate them yourself. But, I will give you the questions above to ponder, because what you need to consider is what reasonable end to this you want. You then need to think backwards from it to figure out what to do.

I can carefully say that there are some situations where one member is not the true problem. There are other people in some groups who make explicit or implicit decisions that drive the group behavior. Even if "the problem person" were gone, a new one would arise. In those cases, you may want to find yourself a new group, or go solo instead.

Best of luck to you.

 

[AspiringDancer]

Thank you all for the advice. The last 2 weeks I have actually just been ignoring her. Not in an overly nasty way, and it wasn't even a conscious decision, at first. I feel like she's bringing out these ugly high school-esq feelings in me that I thought I left behind 10 years ago and really, I don't want that in my life, or in the troupe!

It's working out surprisingly well. Last class I felt like she was really backing down. I guess I'll see where it goes from here and keep revisiting this thread and using your tips as any new events arise.

: )

 

[Greek Bonfire]

Why does she act this way? Simple - she's a snooty snobby social climber. We first ran into them in first grade. Unfortunately, this overgrown baby never outgrew the stage or never learned proper manners. I may sound overly harsh but I see a lot of people like this and it's obnoxious, not to mention totally inexcusable. And Diana, you are spot on!