Advice needed

[Jane]

I need some impartial advice from a group of sensible people.

A good friend of mine is getting married and asked me to be her matron of honor. I agreed. The groom had a fight with his best friend and now no longer has him as his best man. The wedding party was originally going to be two people standing for the bride and two standing for the groom. Bride/friend wants the wedding party be even in number (as not to hurt the grooms feelings or make him look bad) so I have been asked to step aside in favor of the bride's sister (who her mother insists remains in the wedding party.) Well, I understand stuff happens and I was okay with stepping aside, but bride/friend is now assuming that I am still doing/purchasing/in charge of/planning all the things I was going to do as her matron of honor even though I am not in the wedding party at all now.

So...should I tell her no and that her sister should now be responsible? This is a large ticket wedding 30-40k (American money) and my time/effort/expense would be large. Am I as an ex-matron of honor now off the hook for at least the formal duties? Opinions?

 

[Daimona]

I understand you feel it is a difficult question, but IMNHO you're off the hook.
If you are not going to the party at all, why do all the hard work?


If you want, you could offer your advice (ideas and mental checklists), but not to do the practical work.


ETA: To be honest, I can't imagine why your friend/the bride would expect you to do it for free when you're not even get to go to the wedding party at all. If she needs someone to do a lot of practical things that her sister isn't able/want to do, I am pretty sure there are companies offering these services.

 

[Mosaic]

I agree with Daimona 100%. The sister should now take on the 'honour' or they book a wedding planner or something.
~Mosaic

 

[Aniseteph]

ITA with what's been said already. It's clearly sister's role now to take on or contract out as they see fit, and outrageous to expect you to be involved in the organisation. Bride/ friend has to deal with it.

 

[Shanazel]

Jane, I realize the bride is your friend but I am feeling a tad warm on your behalf so please forgive any offense that the following inadvertently causes.

First: I cannot IMAGINE asking a friend to take on any expenses of my wedding, matron of honor or not. :shok: Surely if she can afford to pay forty thousand dollars for a big party she can afford a few dollars more for a professional wedding consultant instead of shoveling the expense off onto friends.

Since you are obviously a nice person who wishes to gracefully decline to continue with the burdens of another person's party, I strongly suggest you do so. Explain that circumstances of your life have changed and while you can't continue with prior obligations (not that I think they were obligations to begin with but you know what I mean) you look forward to observing the happy event from the audience.

By the way, no law states that a wedding party must be perfectly symmetrical and any thinking compassionate bride would find an extra male instead of disposing of an attendant herself.

 

[Jane]

Thanks ladies. This has been a bit of an emotional decision and I needed the clarity. Crazy as it sounds, they have hired a wedding "producer" (whatever that is) and my main concern about expenses were the bridal shower and bachlorette party. My friend has turned into a weird bridezilla over several things. I'm trying to be patient and hope this is temporary insanity. We shall see.

 

[Shanazel]

Whenever someone says Bridezilla I get this Princess for a Day image in my head in which said princess has hairy armpits and fangs. :lol:

Once upon a time there was no such thing as a bachelorette party; the equivalent social event was the bridal shower where close friends of the bride (not casual acquaintances and parental coworkers) got together to celebrate and supply their friend with little items she might need in her new life. Seems to me the bridal shower has evolved into something far less sweet and innocent; in many cases it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to call it a gift grab.

I realize I am dreadfully old-fashioned but when one gives a party (which is all a wedding is with the exception of the religious or civil ceremony) one should be more concerned about the guests having a good time than in having them worship at one's feet.

 

[Farasha Hanem]

I wasn't even aware that the matron of honor was "responsible" for any expenses other than showing up in a pretty dress and standing by the bride! :shok: I, too, hope for your sake that she's just suffering from temporary insanity. Otherwise, I would suggest that you find better friends. Gracefully bow out---you shouldn't be "obligated" to furnish any money, most especially if you're no longer in the wedding party.

Ya know, I don't even recall Hubby and myself having bachelor/bachelorette parties...we were too worried over other things.

 

[Darshiva]

Hubby & I shared ours - we share almost everything, including our friends. Our wedding party consisted of us - we decided not to play favourites & to cut down on expenses so we could give everyone a great feed at the reception.

We paid for the hens party & a mutual friend of ours helped me organise it. We're big on costume parties, so the theme was 'bad wedding' where everyone wore the worst polyester nightmares they could find in a secondhand shop. It was awesome!

 

[Jane]

Venting ahead:

I'm not overly keen on large weddings. Both my weddings were very, very small and low key. I've seen too many brides stress out to the point of exhaustion, spend too much money, act like they deserve "more" than friends and relatives are willing to shell out or do, annoy everyone by being self centered the entire length of their engagement, and hurt the feelings of everyone close to them.

The amount you spend on your wedding has nothing to do with how happy you will be or how long it will last, i.e. Kim Kardashian's $10.5 million fiasco.

Then again, I've seen funerals that were worse.

 

[gisela]

Am I misunderstanding that you are now not going to take part in the wedding at all? I am not sure about the term "wedding party". Is that the whole evening or does it mean the group of people surrounding the bride and groom at the ceremony?

 

[Jane]

In the U.S. the wedding party is the entire cast of the wedding who play a supporting role in the ceremony. Bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girls, ring bearers, parents of the bride and groom, ushers, junior bridesmaids, etc.

Religious or ethnic weddings have additional people in the party, so even at a mostly traditional American wedding people can incorporate some of the customs that are passed down through their families heritage.

 

[~Diana~]

wait....what did I read...wait they had you using your own money to buy stuff for their wedding???????????????????? Oh hun I'm so glad to hear that you decided to say no to them. Friend aside, that is someone who wants it all even if they have to give up something else.

As for symmetry that is a lot of shit! My sisters party had 2 girls to his 4 men. My own wedding will have 2 girls his 4. The pictures don't look weird at all!

P.s...my wedding might have 200-250 people at the end. 150 maybe more at the wedding...please shoot me now.....

 

[Greek Bonfire]

I think a "replacement" should've been found for the fallen out friend and it shouldn't have affected you at all since you didn't do anything. But now that you are no longer matron of honor you are totally off the hook in every way.

 

[Amulya]

I only recently read somewhere that the bridesmaids are supposed to pay for the dresses the bride chooses them to wear and the shoes, and apparently also the bridal shower or hens night. I come from a country where the concept of brides maids doesn't exist so it sounds a bit weird to me (they only got witnesses there, and a host, someone who arranges the timings of all the speeches, sketches and other things, and very rarely they have 'bride's children', a little boy and girl that throw flowers, but none of them is expected to pay for things the bridal couple orders)
I don't think you should pay for anything or organise anything if you're not even invited to the wedding anymore. Even if you still are invited, you now aren't the maid of honour anymore. Couldn't they have solved it by getting a new best man?

It's a shame that weddings have become such horrible show off things sometimes. I once went to a wedding that was like that, they had 200 or 300 guests (are those all close family and friends? doubt it) and it was expected that all of those gave lots of money as presents. I find it horrible when there are huge expectations of the guests, not everybody has that sort of money to spend.