Joke Thread - Time to SMILE

Reen.Blom

Reen.Blom

New member
Cant remember if we have one already somewhere???

Anyways here I go:

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other,
"What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied,
"Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad.":lol:
 
Shanazel

Shanazel

Moderator
Question: what is wrong with attorney jokes?

Answer: attorneys don't think they are funny and no one else thinks they are jokes.

(heard this one from an attorney:))
 
Amulya

Amulya

Moderator
Stupid one:

a guy says to another guy:
'I hate belly dancers!'
the other guy asks:
'why?'
the guy replies:
'why on earth do they have to dance on someone's belly?'


sorry, couldn't think of anything better.
 
Moon

Moon

New member
I hope I don't have to make them up myself? Otherwise, just delete this post.

An Englishman, an American and an Australian are walking on the street together. The australian says: "It costs me half an hour to drive with my car from one side of my property to the other side."
Tha American says: "It costs me a whole day to drive with my car from one side of my property to the other side."
The Englishman says: "Yes, I used to have a car like that too."
 
Reen.Blom

Reen.Blom

New member
Moon, It can be any joke, you dont have to make it up! LOL

Funny Test Answers From Children - Mainly Science and Health

  • When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
  • For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
  • For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
  • For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
  • For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat.
  • We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
  • If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
  • There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
  • Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
  • A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
  • To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
  • South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
  • To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
  • Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
  • Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
  • * "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
  • Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
  • We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
  • Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
  • Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
  • The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
  • Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
  • To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
  • Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
  • When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
  • It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
  • When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
 
Moon

Moon

New member
Reen, OMG!!!


I can't choose which one of those I liked best! That was so hilarious LOL!

Kind of reminds me of this African student asking an organic farmer how he heats the compost.
 
K

KuteNurse

New member
Very funny! I heard a good joke today, however, I am sick as a dog and I forgot it. I will think of it and post it later.
 
Kharmine

Kharmine

New member
Great idea for a thread, RB! You are all too funny!

Because my husband is a musician I know a lot of musician jokes (and I bet Shanazel does, too!)

1. What do you say to a banjo player wearing a suit?
Will the defendant please rise.

2. Why is a bagpipe player walking when he plays?
He's trying to get away from the thing.

3. Why did J.S. Bach have 20 children?
There was no stop to his organ.
 
Shanazel

Shanazel

Moderator
Oh, lord, you want musician jokes??? It is the only kind I know more of than attorney jokes.

What is the definition of perfect pitch?

Stand fifteen feet away from the toilet and toss the oboe. If the oboe goes into the toilet without touching the rim, that's perfect pitch.

Heard the latest threat to society?

Drive by viola solos.

(Oh, no, stop her before she tells the loong ones!)

Reenie, those are hysterical!

Moon, when I was studying agronomy, I had another student ask me what country they spoke it in. Thinking she was teasing me, I told her Agronomia, a small principality near Athens. She had never heard of that country...
 
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Moon

Moon

New member
:lol::lol::lol::lol:

Shanazel, why do you always have to beat me when it comes to funny stuff?
 
Amulya

Amulya

Moderator
THE PARROTS
A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, " Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!!" the priest explained, then he thought for a moment.
"You know", he said, "I have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two parrots over to my place and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and John. My parrots can teach to praise and worship, And you parrots are sure to stop saying......that phrase....in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them! After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

THERE WAS STUNNED SILENCE.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and explained.
"Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been aswered!!"
 
Kharmine

Kharmine

New member
Hmm, do we have any attorneys on this forum? (Looks around cautiously.)

Why don't sharks bite lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
 
Shanazel

Shanazel

Moderator
Any attorney who doesn't have his or her own stash of attorney jokes is too delicate to be an attorney.

A genie appeared to an attorney, her secretary and her legal assistant and offered to grant them three wishes.

The legal secretary said, "I want to be sunning on a beach in Tahiti with a glass of rum in my hand and a gorgeous male in the chair next to me." And POOF! The genie granted her wish and she found herself in Tahiti.

The legal assistant said, "I've always yearned for adventure. I want to be on a NASA flight to the moon!" And POOF! She found herself on the way to the moon.

The genie turned to the attorney and asked what she wanted. The attorney said,

"I want both of them back here right after lunch!"
 
Reen.Blom

Reen.Blom

New member
The Bible According to KIDS
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
 
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