embarassed as well as angry

BellyDance Girl

New member
I finally danced for my boyfriend and it was a disaster. I'm embarrassed, very sad, and a bit angry. I have details on my official blog - if anyone is interested in reading more. Has anyone else had a surprisingly negative reaction from a significant other?:(
 

Moon

New member
I'm sorry to hear you had a bad experience, Bellydance girl.
To be honest, I just read your blog and I don't really know what to say. My boyfriend has a very different character, so I don't really have the same experience.
The only times I danced for my boyfriend, I was just showing some moves, not really dancing. And I find that very difficult because, although I know he accepts me the way I am and will always find me beautiful, I want it to be really good for him and he makes me very nervous. So the only times he really saw me bellydancing was on stage, when I also danced for other people, together with my fellow students.
I do know, however, that my boyfriends prefers a more covered outfit for bellydance. He says it takes some of the magic away when too much skin is showing. Not that he doesn't like to see my body, he just doesn't like to see almost naked bellydancers. So the one time I wore a hip scarf over my bikini, just for fun (I would never do that on stage), and showed some movements, he asked me if I would please wear a skirt next time so I felt a little like :confused:
From your blog it seems to me like your boyfriend couldn't really explain his reaction at that moment, like he was somehow overwhelmed. Maybe it would be an idea to contact him later and explain to him how disappointed you were by his reaction. And ask him if he can explain a better what his feelings were at the moment it happened?

I'm sorry I can't help you any better. I never had a negative reaction. My boyfriend sometimes was disappointed when I was so nervous I didn't want to show more movements, but nothing like your experience.
 
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BellyDance Girl

New member
Moon, you are lovely, thank you so much for your support, your insight and sharing your experience. I'm guessing and hoping that once my bruised ego heals a bit I may become a bit more rational. Thank you for helping me gain some insight. We do communicate well on other fronts when we have a conflict. Perhaps we can after the smoke clears.
 

Ankhet

New member
(((Hugs bellydance girl))) I had this happen once when I did a striptease for my husband. He stopped me and said I was not doing it right:mad: Of all the insulting things a guy can do! I know how it hurts and I am so sorry that your boyfriend is such a twit! Dance for your own enjoyment, forget what he did. He does not deserve such attention.
 

BellyDance Girl

New member
(((Hugs bellydance girl))) I had this happen once when I did a striptease for my husband. He stopped me and said I was not doing it right:mad: Of all the insulting things a guy can do! I know how it hurts and I am so sorry that your boyfriend is such a twit! Dance for your own enjoyment, forget what he did. He does not deserve such attention.
(((Hugs to you, Ankhet!!!))):)
I am so sorry for your experience. How DARE he critique you - like he's the expert. He should be thanking his Creator that he can have his cake and eat it too. I've had several men friends who have had beautiful, intelligent and kind women in their lives and their disfunctional ego screwed it up. He's a dumb-a** too! How many husbands can say that their wife embraces her sexuality and is aware and wanting of his own? He should be so lucky!!!! How many husbands are out there wishing that their wife would wear something a bit more racy than a flannel nightgown? Tell him to have a good time in 'La-La Land.'

I said this in my blog, but I feel I also need to say this here --- My decision to start dancing was entirely mine and something that I have contemplated for years. After two years of discussions with a friend about available and affordable classes, we finally dove in. I have to confess, on my mental list of reasons to dance, my boyfriend's libido is on there. However, I can cross that off as an expectation and continue on my own satisfying journey.
 

cathy

New member
If your goal is really to do something seductive for your boyfriend, make sure it's something HE wants first. Ask him or figure out what that is! It could be a heck of a lot easier than learning this dance. Maybe you could dress up like a game show hostess or a videogame vixen?!?! (sort of joking)

That being said, you deserve a boyfriend who loves and desires you for yourself. You are proud and excited about what you are learning, so naturally disappointed that he does not share it.

I don't think of this dance as seduction and I don't do it to turn my husband or anyone else on. If they GET turned on, fine, I won't flip or freak, but the reaction is in them. I do it because it's really fun and I love it.

It's kinda ironic because my husband in fact urges me to go with skimpier costuming and "sex it up" and he does get into the harem fantasy thing a bit, but it does nothing for me and as I said is not why I do this dance.

Dance can build your self confidence even if not for the reasons you first thought (appealing to the boyfriend). Really I think you shouldn't worry so much about what you can do for him as what you want and what he could be doing for YOU! I am just guessing here but maybe deep down you are the one whose needs are not being met but you are turning it around....(been there)

Cathy
 

Reen.Blom

New member
Hey sweety Pie!

I read your blog- it is actually very sad!!!! You should definitly talk to him about it and stay calm! That must be really painful but it is best to talk it over and find out what went wrong for him!

Cheer up and keep on dancing!!!!!
 

catwomyn

New member
Sorry about your bad experience. I did read your blog and I wonder if he freaked because he thinks you're learning stripping or something similar and will wear the teeny costume in public.

After you guys have talked maybe try dancing again in yoga pants or a long skirt and a choli top?
 

meddevi

New member
after reading your blog, the first thing that came to mind for me that he was intimidated. Sounds like he likes to lust after things he can't have, and your control over your body and presentation was just too much for him, and THAT embarrassed him.

He needs to grow up. While I know that some/many men can lack control when it comes to viewing the female body, particularly ones other than their partner, what you described as his normal behavior set off warning bells that signal other issues and problems.
 

TribalDancer

New member
He needs to grow up. While I know that some/many men can lack control when it comes to viewing the female body, particularly ones other than their partner, what you described as his normal behavior set off warning bells that signal other issues and problems.
What she said.
 

Reen.Blom

New member
If your goal is really to do something seductive for your boyfriend, make sure it's something HE wants first. Ask him or figure out what that is! It could be a heck of a lot easier than learning this dance. Maybe you could dress up like a game show hostess or a videogame vixen?!?! (sort of joking)

That being said, you deserve a boyfriend who loves and desires you for yourself. You are proud and excited about what you are learning, so naturally disappointed that he does not share it.

I don't think of this dance as seduction and I don't do it to turn my husband or anyone else on. If they GET turned on, fine, I won't flip or freak, but the reaction is in them. I do it because it's really fun and I love it.

It's kinda ironic because my husband in fact urges me to go with skimpier costuming and "sex it up" and he does get into the harem fantasy thing a bit, but it does nothing for me and as I said is not why I do this dance.

Dance can build your self confidence even if not for the reasons you first thought (appealing to the boyfriend). Really I think you shouldn't worry so much about what you can do for him as what you want and what he could be doing for YOU! I am just guessing here but maybe deep down you are the one whose needs are not being met but you are turning it around....(been there)

Cathy
I dont think it is the point of what HE wants! I totally understand her feelings, because I know WHATEVER clumsy dance I would do for my sweet-heart he would love it and I would be SERIOUSLY worried if I got a reaction like that!
 

BellyDance Girl

New member
If your goal is really to do something seductive for your boyfriend, make sure it's something HE wants first. Ask him or figure out what that is! It could be a heck of a lot easier than learning this dance. Maybe you could dress up like a game show hostess or a videogame vixen?!?! (sort of joking)

That being said, you deserve a boyfriend who loves and desires you for yourself. You are proud and excited about what you are learning, so naturally disappointed that he does not share it.

I don't think of this dance as seduction and I don't do it to turn my husband or anyone else on. If they GET turned on, fine, I won't flip or freak, but the reaction is in them. I do it because it's really fun and I love it.

It's kinda ironic because my husband in fact urges me to go with skimpier costuming and "sex it up" and he does get into the harem fantasy thing a bit, but it does nothing for me and as I said is not why I do this dance.

Dance can build your self confidence even if not for the reasons you first thought (appealing to the boyfriend). Really I think you shouldn't worry so much about what you can do for him as what you want and what he could be doing for YOU! I am just guessing here but maybe deep down you are the one whose needs are not being met but you are turning it around....(been there)

Cathy
thank you. yes, I should ask him what he wants, but then again, I think I already know - I told him during the argument last night ,"I will never again be 19, I will never be a stripper, I will never be a cartoon, I will never be one of your friends' wives or girlfriends who you think are so great. He insists that I am blowing things out of proportion. After reading this and other posts I can't help but wonder: does he protest too much?
 

cathy

New member
thank you. yes, I should ask him what he wants, but then again, I think I already know - I told him during the argument last night ,"I will never again be 19, I will never be a stripper, I will never be a cartoon, I will never be one of your friends' wives or girlfriends who you think are so great. He insists that I am blowing things out of proportion. After reading this and other posts I can't help but wonder: does he protest too much?
Good for you! If he wants a 19-yr-old, a stripper, his friends' wives or girlfriends, or a cartoon he knows where to find them! You deserve love and respect and shouldn't settle for anything less or feel like you have to compete with that.

You don't have to seek after his approval or to prove you are attractive or good enough. If you wanted to do something special for him, OK, but right now if you ask me he owes YOU quite a few treats.

Cathy
 

BellyDance Girl

New member
Hey sweety Pie!

I read your blog- it is actually very sad!!!! You should definitly talk to him about it and stay calm! That must be really painful but it is best to talk it over and find out what went wrong for him!

Cheer up and keep on dancing!!!!!
Thank yo so much Reen.Blom! I am waiting for the time when I feel calm enough to talk about it with him. There are so many things and ways that he makes me (and my family) happy. However, the 'unspoken stuff' really needs some work. My mother always told me (especially based on her experience) "words mean nothing, watch the action." I am confused because all of the other 'actions' seen by both families and both sets of friends interpret nothing but positive predictions for the future.

However, in my past I have made less-than-favorable choices when it came to introducing a man I was dating to my family or friends. In so many ways, this man that I am with now SEEMS so much better, according to 3rd party endorsements. My family and friends have not ignored the 'bad' men that I have encountered. Everyone I know seems to think that this guy is the best, but no one in my 'real life' knows of this conflict. I am at a crossroads, because as I write these actions, they become more generic, which makes me more apt to respond objectively against the 'dumb-a** boyfriend.' If I was reading this on another post - I'd be both sympathetic to the boyfriend but disgusted just the same. I'm trying to put his feelings into account, and thank you to all who have helped me in that, but I cannot ignore the ewmpty feeling that I am experiencing. [/I]
 

BellyDance Girl

New member
Dance can build your self confidence even if not for the reasons you first thought (appealing to the boyfriend). Really I think you shouldn't worry so much about what you can do for him as what you want and what he could be doing for YOU! I am just guessing here but maybe deep down you are the one whose needs are not being met but you are turning it around....(been there)

Cathy
Thank you! YOu are so right. There are things he could do for me - very little things according to my considerations. I will try to present these things to him and try to proceed from there. As of my own dance and experience, it will always be a part of me, for that is now who I am. I will only accept those who accept me for who I am.
 

Reen.Blom

New member
Hey sweetie... you need to look inside yourself and see what YOU feel! All the family and friends is good enough but at the end of the day it is just you and him! Does he know that his reaction hurt you? Did he apologize? Maybe this is also a good test to see how you 2 can work around a difficult situation like that?

We always talk EVERYTHING over this is how I know my sweetie is the right man for me beacuse he cares for my feelings immensly! Does your bf show he cares for your feelings? Sounds like he was upset because you 'made fuss' but at the end of the day he was not even tactful enough to spare your feelings??? One thing if he didnt like the dance but another thing is how he showed it to you!!!

I think I would get over of my sweetie not liking my dance or even (later) not responding to my femininity but not caring for my feelings??? This is a different story!

So take your time, calm down and talk it over! Dont accuse him just ask what is the matter and if he knows he hurt you!

Good luck and God bless,
reen.Blom
 

BellyDance Girl

New member
Hey sweety Pie!

I read your blog- it is actually very sad!!!! You should definitly talk to him about it and stay calm! That must be really painful but it is best to talk it over and find out what went wrong for him!

Cheer up and keep on dancing!!!!!
You are so very sweet - thank you so much!!!! I plan on talking with him tonight, we'll see how it goes. I love him so much and he has contributed in many way to my life's happiness, but this is difinitely a rought spot - we'll see if he has the ability to grow up and travel past 'fantasyland' into a VERY fulfilling reality
 

BellyDance Girl

New member
Maybe you could dress up like a game show hostess or a videogame vixen?!?! (sort of joking)

That being said, you deserve a boyfriend who loves and desires you for yourself. You are proud and excited about what you are learning, so naturally disappointed that he does not share it.

I don't think of this dance as seduction and I don't do it to turn my husband or anyone else on. If they GET turned on, fine, I won't flip or freak, but the reaction is in them. I do it because it's really fun and I love it.

It's kinda ironic because my husband in fact urges me to go with skimpier costuming and "sex it up" and he does get into the harem fantasy thing a bit, but it does nothing for me and as I said is not why I do this dance.

Dance can build your self confidence even if not for the reasons you first thought (appealing to the boyfriend). Really I think you shouldn't worry so much about what you can do for him as what you want and what he could be doing for YOU! I am just guessing here but maybe deep down you are the one whose needs are not being met but you are turning it around....(been there)

Cathy
Thank you so much. I wish my boyfriend was more like your husband. I feel like this is a wake-up call to me.
 
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