teenagers, sex and parents !!

[slinks]

I am scared silly .. close to tears actually !! I remember being a teen myself and boy was I a bad girl .. Sex is a natural thing from the age of 15 and up, how does one cope when one knows it's on the verge of happening .. my son is 15, has a girlfriend and has basically said in "body language" he is ready :shok: what do I do ?? .. this sux BIG TIME !! WWAAAAHHHHH !! I have spoken to him .. I bought him a pack of condoms, told him that just because he has these does not mean he has to use them, I also mentioned that it's a good idea to get to know the girl first .. pregnancy is the last thing we need !! I know I have done every thing in my power to help delay this as much as I can, having come from parents who didn't educate me on the times of teens, it was actually by boyfriends mother who made me a doctors appointment to get me on the pill .. Any one of you experianced in this ? to help me thru this sad moment .. I feel terribly stressed and alone, hubby tells me not to worry and thinks I'm making a big deal of it .. My son has reasured me that there is nothing to worry about .. :lol: how can you believe a boy with high testerone levels running through his body ..

 

[NatasaofGreece]

Dear Slinks,
Unfortunately this phenomenon does happen in our days,with one way or another..boys are uncontroled,u've got it! Therefore,the only thing u can do is just to advice him about the danger of an upcoming pregnancy and the coinsidences of it! That means he must always use a condom!! I'm not a parent but i think it's the best solution,beacause u can't comfine sb esp a 15 year old boy who doesn't think with the "up" head!:lol:
Hope i've helped u in some way!
Kisses!

 

[belly_dancer]

Dear Slinks,
Unfortunately this phenomenon does happen in our days,with one way or another..boys are uncontroled,u've got it! Therefore,the only thing u can do is just to advice him about the danger of an upcoming pregnancy and the coinsidences of it! That means he must always use a condom!! I'm not a parent but i think it's the best solution,beacause u can't comfine sb esp a 15 year old boy who doesn't think with the "up" head!:lol:
Hope i've helped u in some way!
Kisses!

or maybe he DOES think with the "UP" head..... oooops.... I am bad!!!! sorry... could not help mysself there....
Slinks... you SOOOOO have my sympathy.... so far I have only had girls.....
& they have made it to 20 & 22 without too many mishaps!!!!
my son... only 7...... can ALREADY tell..... am going to have trouble!!!!!
eeeeeekkkkkk
the best advice that I got for my girls... (too late I may add, but I am hoping it will work for boys too!!!!)was that by the time the hormones hit (girls= 11-13!!!!... boys a tad later I imagine!) it is TOO late...because they think they know everything..... BUT they have internalized everything you have already told them... so hopefully it is ALL in there... & they have heard more from you than friends/tv/etc....
it sounds like you have pretty good communication with your son... but this is such a scary time... (his age.... as well as what is going on in the world!!) maybe you should ALSO befriend his girlfriend.... sounds like it worked for you when you were young... & here I am being sexist & all.... but USUALLY girls at that age are more receptive to advice (from anyone BUT their OWN mothers!!) & will kiss up to the boyfriends mom!!!!

 

[Kharmine]

Not having had a son I can't help you with personal experience, o slinks!

But I could suggest that you keep the lad as busy as possible with fun recreation stuff so that he uses up a lot of energy and doesn't have much free time to get girls into romantic situations, if you know what I mean. Or maybe help him get a part-time job (he does want his own car, I'll bet!)

Oh, and if there are some handy infants around, arrange to stick him with babysitting once in a while. :lol:

But if my observations of family dynamics are correct, wigging out and acting over-protective will just embarass him -- and opposition will only make him more determined.

 

[adiemus]

I have one of each - 16 yo boy, 14 yo girl... My boy thinks with his testosterone!! He has condoms, and assures me he'll use them, but won't discuss sex with me AT ALL!! He informs his Dad that he's not interested in having babies, or STD's and it's the STD's that are his main concern, so he's assured his Dad he will use the condoms... My son is into motorbikes, and yes he's working every hour he can to buy one and then to keep it in petrol, so perhaps that's the best idea!!!

My daughter is ambivalent about boys - thinks they're quite interesting but generally 'yucky', but is unaware of how gorgeous she is, and how to keep herself safe... I worry more about her than her brother, any ideas? How to keep her 'innocent' but 'safe'..

 

[slinks]

bless you all for the positive responses .. it certainly has made me feel a lot better ..

My son does talk to me and knows of my fears, which is a good thing .. some times I'm like "whoa, how much information do you want !!" but on the other hand I'm glad to know how his mind works and I'm as free with my speach as I can be .. I believe I've bought up a well mannered young man and we have made it known that he can trust us as parents ..

lol, I have a daughter too, 13, she is yet to get her periods and is aware of boys, and has the same "yukky" but cute attitude too .. it is a strange thing that we worry more about the girls than the boys !!

Today my mind was working overtime but I did meet the mother of my son's girlfriend and though it was never mentioned between us, I felt we both know that each of us is guiding our teen the best way we can, for them to have a positive outlook on their relationship ..

My guess for the girls is to treat them the same way we would the boys, be sure to use a condom and I seriously think putting them on the pill would solve a lot of problems too .. again we have the "just because you have these (pills or condoms) does not mean you have to use them" .. I'm very glad my daughter is a late bloomer, I'm sure she wont be starting for another year yet, though I started at 12 ..

My son mows lawns .. he is into skateboarding and has a motorbike .. I guess this is just a typical teen with a typical worried mother syndrome that will work itself out ..

I ended up having a talk with hubby, he has such a positive attitude, he loves that our son is on his way to becoming a man and thinks I should be proud for him .. it will take some time to let go of the apron strings but if I don't, I will drive him away which is the last thing I want to do ..

 

[Nat242]

It sounds like you've got the right idea, Slinks. The only thing I want to reinforce is that contraception is a joint responsibility and that condoms can be used properly and improperly. Some people only put the condom on just prior to penetration, when in fact it needs to be worn before any genital contact, or else pregnancy/STDs can occur anyway. You're probably aware of this but I'm always shocked at how many people don't realise this, and it can be dangerous :shok:

Good luck, I'm sure it will be okay. Sounds like you've raised a responsible young man (at least as responsible as teenagers get), and it's great that he's communicating with you. :clap:

 

[Moon]

Adiemus, when I was 14 years old, I wasn't really interested in boys yet (well, I just was very "late") but my mom gave me this book about safe sex which had quite a lot of information in it. She also told me I could always talk with her if I had questions regarding the subject.
I think if I might have a doughter in future, I would do it the same as my mother did. I would give her the important information she needs and tell her save sex is extremely important and when she gets a boyfriend, she should never do things she doesn't want to do. Only have sex when you're ready for it. Some girls are pretty young when they feel they're ready for it and you might not agree with that as a parent, but in the end you probably can't stop her. It's better to make sure she is well prepared then try to keep her so innocent she might accidentally have unsafe sex without knowing herself :shok: And never believe a guy who says he has a condom allergy and can only have sex without :lol:

Slinks, I don't have a son and I don't have any brothers so I don't really know how my parents would have prepared a boy, but I think it's more or less the same as for a girl. Make sure they know as much as possible about safe sex and the risks of unsafe sex, tell them to do nothing they don't want to and nothing the girl doesn't want to.

 

[cathy]

Hi Slinks,

I was interested to read this because I have a 12-yr-old son and his comments recently have been "You guys only want to go on vacation to celebrate your anniversary and don't care about me" (we took him and OF COURSE his enjoyment featured equally to our own!) and "It makes me uncomfortable when you make out in front of me" (give hubby a kiss hello when home from work!) but also "I'll never be popular....girls will never like me....." We pointed out he was funny, handsome, smart, nice, good at sports, even tall...girls are going to like him. "No they won't. My head is too big."

I was worried but I guess this is easy in comparison.....Good luck Slinks, and all parents of teens....

Cathy

 

[Sara]

Right, on the other side...

I'm 18, and have NEVER bin able to tell anyone in my family about my boyfriends, or anything like that. As far as they're concerned I've never had one. When in reality, I love being with guys. No one in my family has ever talked to me about sex and if I bring it up they ignore me.

I had my first boyfriend when I was 13/14 and because my parents around that time acted all weird with me and stuff and stressed, I never ever felt I could tell them. And to be honest. I enjoy it this way. I don't want to talk with them about anything like that, cause to me it'd be strange now.

I think you should just be cool with it. It's a natural part of life and is going to happen sooner or later. Sex is a natural thing. I'm sure it's strange for you, but I don't think you should in all honest worry about it. It's not like doing drugs or going out drinking every night. And at least he's with an actual girlfriend... Just be open about it and don't pressure him into telling you about anything, but let him know that you're there if he wants to talk.

We're a lot more sensible than adults give us credit for.

 

[Kharmine]

My mother never told me anything until I had my first period, and then she wouldn't talk about sex at all. She was even more silent with my brother. She was very Catholic and wouldn't even allow me to attend the usual 9th grade sex lecture (boys in one room, girls in another) at my public school.

Honestly, the way sex ed is presented in schools you'd think it would do more to discourage kids! But oh well, the school library was well-stocked with all I really needed to know and my father's second wife gave me a copy of "Our Bodies, Our Selves."

A good book that will answer a kid's (or adult's!) questions is always easier to give than "the talk" about the birds 'n' the bees. Now that I am old enough to be a great-aunt I was thrilled to find that there is a edition of that helpful book called, natch, "The New Our Bodies, Our Selves." I'm sure there are even more helpful books out there than when I was a teen, and having something practical to read privately is a good idea.

 

[adiemus]

My parents were like many in my generation - sex was something you didn't talk about, so my sister and I got a book on sex and then told don't do it! We had a lot of terror laid on us at church about sex and how it must not be done etc which only made me quite hung up about physical expression of love. Wasn't helped by my own family never talking about emotions, and never hugging.

Now with my kids I'm much more relaxed and we do talk about sex being only part of a relationship, and that although getting pregnant is a concern, it's STD's that are probably more of a concern...

I think for me, my daughter's lack of awareness about how men see her is both lovely and concerning - she just doesn't see that she is beautiful and that showing off her body is potentially risky, and this is part of the risk because she is quite innocent/naive.

I'm less concerned about her having sex than perhaps being assaulted or something - if she has sex with a boy who is her age, and they use protection, I feel that's reasonably OK, whereas if she's attacked or assaulted because she just doesn't know that she's attracted unwanted attention until too late, would be a tragedy.

 

[slinks]

We're a lot more sensible than adults give us credit for.

:lol: :lol: :lol: good one Sara words of reasurance !! thank you

It is too bad you couldn't talk to your parents, I remember another thread where you couldn't talk to them about some thing that was important to you. I hope you sorted that one out

I was always able to talk to my mother, when I was younger but my dad was this scarey monster, who was never there (at the pub) I left home at 15 which is why this thread was started, I wanted honest opinions and "you've done the right thing" I want my son to have a good education and move on to getting himself a good job and become a sensible adult and not a larrican his mates are .. which is another story in itself, we've allowed him his mates (school dropouts, pot heads) but school must not suffer .. And in all honesty this girl in his life has changed him for the better, he'd rather be spending time with her (she is still at school herself) than with them, here in my home (which was the scarey part that started this thread too) .. So that should be my answer, eh !! I want him to on at stay home at least until 18 ..

He's gonna have sex either with or with out my consent, right !! :wall:

As for my daughter, I'm gonna start talking with her and guiding her ..

Thanks to all who participated .. all of it was positive and all worth the thoughts :clap: I'll still worry of course but with ease

 

[Mya]

slinks my dear, you know the child you've raised...and you know the values you've given him. You seem to have done all you can in terms of educating him with regards to safety and responsibility in the matter, perhaps this is the point where you have to now trust your child to do the right thing. there doesn't appear to be much else one can do at the moment does there?
i imagine that is quite hard for parents to do, but if you don't give him his space and show him you trust him he may just react out of rebellion rather than rationality.

I'm not a parent (only 22 - still a wee one) but i hope i was able to reassure you a bit.

 

[Aisha Azar]

Teen agers

Dear Slinks,
I think you are doing the exact right things; first, acknowledging your child's very valid sexual urges, and then explaining that sex is pleasurable,but is not responsibility free, giving him the tools to deal with that responsibility if the need arises, and at the same time explaining that sex should be a form of physical AND emotional intimacy by telling him he should get to know his partner first.
I did something similar with my daughter. It seems to have worked. When she was 16 years old she toled me she thought she would be needing some birth control method. We went Family Planning since our doctor was male and I thought she might be mote comfortable discussing things with a female doc. She was diagnosed with severe endometriosis when she was 19 and was not supposed to be able to have children. She got pregnant when she was 23 and we consider our grandson to be a huge miracle and and a blessing in our lives.
Regards,
A'isha

 

[Shanazel]

Dearest Slinks,

All we can do is tell our children the truths of life, love, and sex as best we can, and then sit tight and pray for their happiness.

Went through this same thing with my then-sixteen year old son two years ago. When it became obvious which way the relationship was going, he and I had a long talk sitting out in front of our house in the car when it was dark and easier to let down the barriers that exist between most parents and children, however we try to wish them away. He listened while I talked, I listened while he talked, and then I waited to see what kind of man my son was going to make.

To make a long story short, everyone involved survived and even remained friends following the break-up of the love affair. He conducted himself beautifully, even through the pain of breaking up with someone he loved, and I was and am very proud of him.

Good luck, my dear. My heart is with you.

Shanazel

 

[slinks]

Dear Slinks,
I think you are doing the exact right things; first, acknowledging your child's very valid sexual urges, and then explaining that sex is pleasurable,but is not responsibility free, giving him the tools to deal with that responsibility if the need arises, and at the same time explaining that sex should be a form of physical AND emotional intimacy by telling him he should get to know his partner first.
I did something similar with my daughter. It seems to have worked. When she was 16 years old she toled me she thought she would be needing some birth control method. We went Family Planning since our doctor was male and I thought she might be mote comfortable discussing things with a female doc. She was diagnosed with severe endometriosis when she was 19 and was not supposed to be able to have children. She got pregnant when she was 23 and we consider our grandson to be a huge miracle and and a blessing in our lives.
Regards,
A'isha

Thank-you A'isha I really needed someone to tell me I was doing the right thing .. that's why I shared my fears ..

Dearest Slinks,

All we can do is tell our children the truths of life, love, and sex as best we can, and then sit tight and pray for their happiness.

Went through this same thing with my then-sixteen year old son two years ago. When it became obvious which way the relationship was going, he and I had a long talk sitting out in front of our house in the car when it was dark and easier to let down the barriers that exist between most parents and children, however we try to wish them away. He listened while I talked, I listened while he talked, and then I waited to see what kind of man my son was going to make.

To make a long story short, everyone involved survived and even remained friends following the break-up of the love affair. He conducted himself beautifully, even through the pain of breaking up with someone he loved, and I was and am very proud of him.

Good luck, my dear. My heart is with you.

Shanazel

and sharing has made me realise that I am not alone as I felt that morning that I first wrote the thread .. it was a strange feeling all of a sudden my baby just wasn't a little boy anymore and the funny thing is I never imagined he would grow up .. so now I have a whole new veiw of him

Thank you all for your input, it has helped me very much .. you guys, my hubby and my son himself are the only ones I had to talk to .. I am very happy with the outcome

Now for my daughter to start her period :lol: I did speak to her last night, I thought while I'm on the topic I may as well get it over !!

 

[KuteNurse]

Awww Slinks! Are you doing better now? My son has not been sexually active yet, so my advice may not be the best. IT sounds like you have great communication skills and you have taken the appropriate measures to protect your son against STD's and an unwanted pregnancy. My advice is: keep the lines of communication open, don't discourage him...teens tend to do what we don't want them to do. He will do what he wants regardless of you discouraging him. I don't think there is anything harder than being a parent and I think you are doing all the right things. Try to relax, dance more or do something you really enjoy to try and keep your mind off this situation. Good luck to you and I am thinking about you.

 

[slinks]

Awww Slinks! Are you doing better now? My son has not been sexually active yet, so my advice may not be the best. IT sounds like you have great communication skills and you have taken the appropriate measures to protect your son against STD's and an unwanted pregnancy. My advice is: keep the lines of communication open, don't discourage him...teens tend to do what we don't want them to do. He will do what he wants regardless of you discouraging him. I don't think there is anything harder than being a parent and I think you are doing all the right things. Try to relax, dance more or do something you really enjoy to try and keep your mind off this situation. Good luck to you and I am thinking about you.

awww Kutenurse :clap: thanks so much .. yes dance will relieve the stress very much

Thanks !!!!!

 

[Nat242]

My mum lectured in sexology, so my upbringing was one of information and a certain ease with these topics. It's always a little awkward, but I think my mum was really approachable and always answered questions, and volunteered information and started discussions. Also, there were books in the bookcase about the stages of life a woman's body goes through, with photographs of different body types and body forms and from different ethnicities.

I got 'The Talk' at about 9, when mum gave me lots of information about puberty and anatomy (for men and woman) and told me about sex and contraception. Nine may seem young but I don't think it was. It ensured that I got my information from someone who knew, and lots of girls have little changes starting at that age, so I knew it was all normal and nothing to be afraid of.

Okay, I'm rambling, sorry. It just struck me how lucky I was to be able to talk about these things and to have so much information on hand