Is my teacher toxic? Or am I oversensitive?

[AspiringDancer]

Hi Dancers, long time lurker, first time poster. I'm more active on Bhuz but I go by my first name and well, I'd like to maintain some degree of anonymity even though this story is a dead give-away if anyone who knows me would see...but anyway.

A bit of back story. Every teacher at the studio knows that I'm self-conscious and slowly overcoming my inhibitions to dance in public. I've been dancing for 3 years and my teacher knows that my ultimate goal is to perform solo with live musicians. They have put me in the student troupe and seem to really work with me to get over my dance related shyness. I work very hard at understanding the music, culture and technique and I think I could take my love for dance to a new personal best if only I could overcome this pesky obstacle.

The studio I train at had a series of workshops this weekend. One was on Baladi and our instructor was training us to walk like a baladi woman with Egyptian nuances. She said that since we would be in a baladi dress we need to focus on other aspects of our beauty when we walk.

She gave us the example that we should think of what we do in front of the mirror before we go out, such as fixing our hair, or adjusting our jewelry. She asked one girl what she does, and she answered by adjusting her hair. she asked what I do but before I had the chance to answer she did a very heavy "manly" walk and exclaimed in a gruff voice, "You don't do anything because you think you look good the way you are." This was followed by what can only be described as an insane witchy cackle. Everyone in the room actually gasped and looked horrified.

Honestly, I know I don't go to class in pink and frills. I come from work and I wear yoga pants and a tank top like everyone else. I dress and act more "down to earth" than prima donna, that's for sure but I have never thought of myself as being...manly.

I actually had to leave the studio because I knew I was going to bawl. I returned to the workshop (thankfully we were one dance away from being through with it) and I bolted out of there pretty fast. I've been really emotional since. My friends keep telling me that I must have misinterpreted her meaning and that a teacher wouldn't say something so humiliating in front of the band, other teachers who were taking the workshop and my peers.

I have a class with her tomorrow and I feel so uncomfortable. This comment has never made me feel so unsexy and I feel like this has set me back like a year in what I have achieved re: confidence issues.

I don't know if I should say something or if that would seem like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. It's really stressing me out and I don't know what to make of it.

Help?

 

[Farasha Hanem]

Oh, my, I've never heard of a teacher doing that. I would be upset, too, if that had happened to me. It would definitely take me awhile to sort it all out.

Others here would probably suggest you have a heart-to-heart with your teacher in private to let her know how you feel. Other than that, I wouldn't know what to advise.

 

[Kashmir]

Aggressive and nasty. There is no excuse for that. Leave. Don't cause yourself more pain by trying to talk to her. She knew exactly what she was doing.

Incidentally, have you seen Fifi Abdou's character piece in a man's gallibaya? She'd stomp all over your teacher because she knows she looks good - and is in charge.

 

[Darshiva]

I can't rep you for that Kashmir, but I sure would like to.

Even with a gross misread of the situation that was completely inappropriate of her. Take your dance dollar somewhere it's appreciated.

 

[gisela]

That is indeed very weird behaviour. I would probably talk to her one on one and say that it bothered me and ask why she said it and what she meant. If she was joking in some way (grossly inappropriate however) she'll have a chance to apologize and learn that she made a mistake. If she meant it and really thought it was ok, she should be called on it and realize that she will lose a student because of it.

However, I am not you and you have to feel what is best for you (stating the obvious here ). I don't think you are oversensitive.

 

[AspiringDancer]

Thanks to all that have taken the time so far to reply. I feel at least validated that I'm not losing my mind.

I think I'll attend class tomorrow and just let my intuition guide me as to whether I should say something or not. On the one hand, if I did something wrong or offensive, if she thinks I'm annoying/doesn't fit in/my face bothers her etc, I'd rather just know and have her be honest about what's on her mind.

But on the flip, I don't want to approach her and have her not acknowledge or take responsibility for what she said. My temper is flaring just thinking about it...lol : /

 

[Shanazel]

The world is full of people who place their feet in their mouths at least once. I've done it myself: made a joke that fell flat on its nose or worse.

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt once. If she says something similar a second time I'd ask in an astonished voice right there in class what on earth led her to make such a remark.

Be prepared but don't give her rent-free space in your head in the meantime.

 

[Sophia Maria]

I think she might not have meant it as harshly as you thought, or she was being sarcastic and playful in a way that is meant for closer friends. I don't know because I wasn't there and can't judge for myself. My friends and I talk that way to each other all the time, but we're pals. I personally probably wouldn't have been that offended, I usually tend to diffuse situations by making a joke right back.

That being said, everyone is different. If you don't respond well to that kind of interaction, let her know. Talk to her about honestly and gently. That's usually the key. Once you have open communication, people can get a sense for what is acceptable in each relationship...this goes for any type of relationship, really.

 

[Nejmeh]

I understand why this got you upset, if you are already sort of insecure about your skills,this won`t help your confidence..

But as shanazel says,you could give her the benifit of the doubt one time,perhaps she is just blunt. If you danced with her before and hadfun, it would be a shame just to throw that away. Maybe it could feel as a relief if you would find out what her real intentions were with this comment. That doesn`t mean she should be allowed to say these things to you btw. And if she denies it or goes against you, ok, then it`s clear, then she is toxic. Then you know and can go on.

 

[~Diana~]

I wonder if this teacher is one that I am thinking of right now.....

Anyway I'm reading this and it is possible that she might have meant it as a compliment that just didn't come out the right way. If you take out the before and after and just read what she said in context of what the other girls said before "You don't do anything because you think you look good the way you are" that actually sounds like she is saying you don't need to do anything (like fix your hair) because your self image and esteem is high enough that you don't need to do smaller things to make yourself feel better. It could be she is a person who just isn't good socially as well and the other stuff mixed the message she was trying to give.

At the same time, it could have been meant as an insult but it is hard to tell over the internet because we can't see or hear exactly what went on. If it really does both you you could send her a quick email just to ask for explained context of what she said. Ask her out if she meant it as a insult to you and if so or not then get her to explain to you what she meant by it.

 

[khanjar]

Or it could be the teacher in question has an air of arrogance through the teacher/goddess syndrome and feels she in a position to say what she likes as she is the teacher and there, the boss.

And men clump along do they.

As to what to do with such people, if there are others offering the same training go elsewhere or if there is not it is just a case of grinning and bearing it, but if it gets to the point where it appears the teacher is bullying, expose them for their attitude in front of others.

 

[AspiringDancer]

The world is full of people who place their feet in their mouths at least once. I've done it myself: made a joke that fell flat on its nose or worse.

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt once. If she says something similar a second time I'd ask in an astonished voice right there in class what on earth led her to make such a remark.

Be prepared but don't give her rent-free space in your head in the meantime.

As someone with a serious case of foot-in-mouth disease I strongly agree with your advice

 

[AndreaSTL]

Just now seeing this - hope all went well for you tonight!

 

[AspiringDancer]

Just now seeing this - hope all went well for you tonight!

Thanks for asking. I really don't think she's the heart-to-heart type and she wasn't being crusty toward me so I'll just proceed with classes at that studio...With caution.

 

[AyaKara]

Please leave your teacher & join a new one, one whom understands your feelings -- one whom helps you grow & bloom out of them. Don't be sad honey, know that you're starting a new path in your BD career. You have no idea where it will take you, but can be ensured that it will take you somewhere that you feel wonderfully about yourself & your ever-expanding ability! :dance:

 

[AspiringDancer]

Please leave your teacher & join a new one, one whom understands your feelings -- one whom helps you grow & bloom out of them. Don't be sad honey, know that you're starting a new path in your BD career. You have no idea where it will take you, but can be ensured that it will take you somewhere that you feel wonderfully about yourself & your ever-expanding ability! :dance:

Thanks I'm actually still more upset about it then I want to be...And I'm really trying hard here! Unfortunately I just paid them for another round of classes so I'll have to stick it out until February but in the meantime I will be looking into other studios. I feel at least fortunate that I live in a city where belly dancing is popular. I'm sure I'll find a more support environment eventually.

 

[Amulya]

Could she be jealous? That's the only thing I can think of. I agree: get out of her class and join a teacher you feel good with. Someone who puts you don't is not worth staying with.

 

[AspiringDancer]

Could she be jealous? That's the only thing I can think of. I agree: get out of her class and join a teacher you feel good with. Someone who puts you don't is not worth staying with.

No, no she's definitely not jealous. I removed myself from her class, in any case. I'm going to look into other studios over the holidays. Thanks for your concern. The input from this community has really put my mind at ease : )

 

[~Diana~]

If you are in toronto there are a lot of different studios to choose from there!! I know a few I have taken workshops from there if you want to know of them pm me.

 

[Amulya]

I hope you find a great teacher